A Good Listener

 

 

I have got a few intimate friends with whom we have to discuss our mutual social affairs among us. When I say to them, they are listeners and when they say to me, I am again a listen­er. However, I strangely find there are two friends who do not want to listen to others’ affairs. They are women. At the time I met them, I was just a listener. They can talk about their cases for a long time (I think it took about one and a half hours). I was annoyed and bored but I did not even show any sign of my boredom. When I would have to listen to their talks, I prepared my mind to be patient. A few years ago, I suffered from trouble with their talks many times. I think I was a good listener until I read the following article. After that, I was puzzled about whether I was a good listener or not.

 

Do you think you are a good listener as well? It is a skill we need all the time, yet most people have probably never had any ad­vice on how to do it well. In work meetings, friendly chats, and more intimate conversations, we “hear”, but do we really “listen”? Misunderstandings, confusion, frustration, offence… all these can happen when we don’t listen properly.

 

Here, we present some prac­tical tips for better communication in any language – with phrases to use when you are listening in English. The phrases we present are for all levels of English – easy, medium, and advanced – so you can pick the one you feel most comfortable with. You will find more tips and listening exercises on Spotlight Audio.

 

Listen and… WAIT!

If we are already thinking about what we are going to say next, then we are not truly listen­ing. We might miss the details of what the other person is saying or, more likely, miss the subtext or what is not being said explicitly.

 

Tip

Try to wait until the other per­son has finished speaking before you start to formulate your reply. This allows you to listen with more focus. It can feel odd at first, but it can stop you from jumping in too quickly with a response.

 

Listen and… CHECK!

You cannot have a meaningful conversation if you are confused or do not understand. If you are not sure what the other person is saying, just ask.

 

Phrases to use

E (Easy) Sorry, I don’t un­derstand. Can you say that again?

M (Medium) Sorry, when you said “…”, what did you mean, exactly?

A (Advanced) Sorry, I’m not quite following you. What do you mean by “…”?

Listen and… REPEAT!

Even if you think you’ve un­derstood, it is useful to check – you may have totally misunderstood, only half-understood, or missed something important.

 

Phrases to use

E Do you mean…?

M Can I check I’ve under­stood? I think you’re saying…

A If I’ve understood you correctly, what you’re saying is…

 

Tip

Try using a technique called “active listening”, which is used in relationship therapy. The listen­er paraphrases what they have heard. If the conversation can move on if the speaker agrees that that’s what they wanted to say not, the speaker should explain again until they feel confident that the listener really does understand.

 

Listen and… ENCOURAGE!

No one wants to talk into a silent void at the other end of the phone – the speaker will start to think you’ve fallen asleep or won­der whether the phone line has gone dead. In a face-to-face situ­ation, you can nod or lean forward to show you’re listening. On the phone, you can make encouraging noises such as “Oh”, “Really?” or “OK”. If the speaker stops talk­ing, but you feel there’s more to be said, you can ask a follow-up question, or check whether they have finished.

 

Phrases to use

E Is there anything else?

M Did you want to say any­thing else?

A Is there anything else you wanted to get off your chest?

Listen and… GET BACK ON TRACK!

If the conversation is inter­rupted or goes off in another direc­tion, you can get it back on track.

 

Phrases to use

E Sorry, where were we?

M Sorry, we got distracted. You were saying…?

A Sorry, we got a bit side­tracked there. Do go on with what you were saying.

 

Listen… TO EVERYONE!

Listening is more complicat­ed in a group, where one or two voices can dominate. Try to make sure everyone has the chance to speak if they want to.

 

Phrases to use

E What about you, Jane?

M Would you like to say an­ything, Jane?

A Was there anything you’d like to add to the conversation, Jane?

 

Tip

Recognize that a group ses­sion is not always comfortable for everyone – breaking up into small­er groups or pairs reduces the stress. In a video conference, you can suggest creating “breakout rooms” for more intimate conver­sations. In person, you can disap­pear into the kitchen, for example, for a quiet chat.

 

Listen… AND LOOK?

Eye contact is a tricky matter. If you have your eyes on anything else – your phone, your laptop, or the view out of the window – it is just plain rude. You give the speaker the message that you are not interested and that you would rather be somewhere else. Obviously, you want to show that you are paying attention, but you should also avoid staring at your conversation partner as if they’re reading the TV news – that is un­comfortable for both of you.

 

Tip

For difficult conversations, try to find a time when you don’t have to sit face-to-face staring at each other. It is easier to talk and listen when you are walking or doing a simple task like making coffee.

 

Listen and… DON’T GIVE AD­VICE!

One of the biggest mistakes people make in conversations is to offer unwanted advice. Your friend moans about his teenage son and you dive in with a lot of parenting advice from your own experience or from the internet. This might make you look like a great parent, but it makes your friend feel awful.

 

And your friend probably already knows the solution; they just want­ed to let off steam. Your advice can easily sound patronizing and unhelpful. A better technique is to ask your conversation partner some questions to help guide them to their own solutions.

 

Phrases to use

E What can you do?

M Is there anything that you do that makes it easier?

A Do you have any ideas on how you can move forward?

 

Tip

If someone is talking about a medical problem, remember that you are unlikely to give bet­ter advice than they have already received from their doctor. It’s better to offer empathy and prac­tical support, rather than amateur medical advice.

 

Listen and… REMEMBER!

A thoughtful person remem­bers what people have told them and asks about it when they next meet. It makes your conversation partner feel valued and important.

 

Tip

It is often helpful to make some short notes after a conver­sation – especially in a work con­text, even if it is just with friends or family. A quick note that your neighbour has a new grandchild, or your colleague’s cat is ill, for example, he or she will remind you to follow up on these topics the next time you speak.

 

Listen and… SAY THANK YOU!

Sometimes, people just want you to be heard. They do not want your thoughts or opinions or ad­vice. They just need to let it all out and get it off their chest. If there is nothing else to say, you can always just say thank you.

 

Phrases to use

E Thank you for telling me.

M I’m glad you shared that with me.

A I appreciate being taken into your confidence.

 

Listen and… QUESTION YOUR MOTIVATION!

When it is your turn to talk, be honest with yourself. What is really motivating you to speak? Is it about the other person, to show them that you understand what they’re saying? Or is it about you? Are your comments going to be helpful?

 

Tip

Whenever you open your mouth, ask yourself: “Why am I talking?”

 

Listen and… LISTEN SOME MORE!

Do you know the saying “God gave us two ears and one mouth for a reason”? It reminds us to listen more than we speak. Of course, it depends on the situ­ation, but a good tip is to aim to listen more than you talk.

 

In sum, I realize that I was not a good listener after reading it because I did not happen to say to my friends in return even the words “Thank you for telling me.” Now, I turn nearly 70. Therefore, when will I become a good listen­er? I happen to blame myself why I missed reading such a useful article.

Reference: Spotlight 2022